The definition of a golfing bandit.

If you spend enough time listening to golfers talk you might think that the definition of a golfing bandit is anyone that has ever won a golf competition. E.g.

Golfer 1: “I see you were playing golf yesterday; did you win?”

Golfer 2: “Na, [Insert name of any golfer here] won, he shot a net [insert any golf score here]. He’s a total bandit.”

Alas, a bandit is a much more sinister and cunning being than that. Even a stableford score of 45 doesn’t definitely identify a bandit, especially if the player in question is high handicapper, as even the bling squirrel occasionally finds a nut. The true bandit is one that consistently and deliberately plays off a handicap that they know they are better than. Their motivations vary, maybe they like having first pick of the prize table, maybe they like smuggly beating their mates or maybe their parents simply didn’t love them.

So how do we avoid being justifiably accused of being the ultimate golfing slur? Here are a few simple ‘don’t be a bandit’ strategies:

1. First and foremost you need to understand how handicaps work. Your handicap is not supposed be the average amount that you are over par. It’s supposed to be how much over par you will be if you have a good day.
2. If, like me, your official handicap has lapsed due to inactivity. Do not appoint yourself as the handicap committee and give yourself a new one. You are morally compelled to steadfastly play off your last official handicap, even if you know there is no chance of you playing to it.   For maximum comedy effect make sure that you talk up how much golf you have played, which courses you’ve played, which small elements of your swing your working on etc before you violently slice two balls OB on the first and then top your third up the middle.
3. Even with taking these precautions you might very temporally stray into bandit territory. You know the situation; you’ve said you’re a 15 on a good day and then proceeded to par the first 5 holes. So what do you do now? Do you a) seize the opportunity, focus on your game and push on for victory? Or b) apologies to your playing partner so profusely that your concentration waivers and you are safely back in your buffer zone before you know it?

Of course there is an alternative approach to all this; you could just embrace being a golf bandit and clean up at your next society day or club competition. But in our opinion the only reasonable excuse for this sort of behavior is if you have seen a nice pair of Royal & Awesome trousers on the prize table.